Another much anticipated blog entry from me. (>>i created the pic to the leftt. Great innit :¬D)

Recently been feeling the need to move on with my life, get some motion going instead of being stationary at a pit stop with no engineers. The pit stop being my dad’s house. I started my adult life there moving out with my now ex, had a family and it all fell through and then with an emotional car crash of a heart I went back to my dad’s for a pit stop.

It never meant to be a permanent stay and after more than half a year, I think it’s time to move on. To where though? With property prices rising and rising, even property to let prices are sky high, checked one a couple of weeks back and the rent was unaffordable for me. I guess I should keep looking. Then there’s the cold empty loneliness that will be there whenever I go to this new accommodation. That in itself does not seem inviting. With living with my dad and his girlfriend, I at least have the company if needed. I seem to be wanting to move on but with nowhere to move on to. I will have to keep searching. Maybe it isn’t the right time yet. Maybe it will all happen in the new year. This year has not been kind to me at all and I want to leave it behind and start with 09 already. Sheesh lol

On a lighter note, Halloween came and went as fast as a speeding train and with it went memories of a good night with friends. I was invited to a good friend’s house for Halloween and they emphasised that it was fancy dress. So, I got to work on figuring out what to go as. I dismissed going as anything too predictable, e.g. a ghost, a vampire, the devil, Dale Winton and opted to go as something cool but still scary. I decided after a few days of intense pondering, to go as The Punisher. The Marvel character seemed ideal, with a big scary skull on his front, guns, a leather knee length coat and overall just seemed bad ass. I already had the leather coat, thanks to my dad buying one way back when and all I needed was the skull t-shirt.

Being the kind of laid back guy I am I left it to last minute and ordered one through play.com, but with two days to go to Halloween I was panicking. The costume all depended on this t-shirt. I decided to make my own just to be safe. I printed off the skull picture and enlarged it to A3 (twice the size of normal paper, not sure on US size of paper). Then I went and bought some thick white fabric. I cut out the skull logo and pinned it onto the fabric and cut out the skull. It turned out to be quite enjoyable and not as hard as I first thought. I then got my dad’s girlfriend to stitch it onto an old t shirt and the deed was done. The end product looked amazing. I felt accomplished and decided to wear the t-shirt no matter what, even if the t-shirt I ordered came in the post. (which it did yesterday – it looked below average compared to my home made one)

Halloween eventually turned up and I went straight after work to my friends house and chilled there for a bit and got dressed into my Halloween gear. They all commented on how bad ass it looked and I was well proud. The guests turned up one by one, their costumes ranging from The Hulk (painted green and ripped clothes lol I just had to laugh), a guy dressed in girls lingerie, and witches and devils. Unfortunately, my ex and her friend was there, but after a few drinks and staying in a different room I was the life of the party and had a laugh with those around me. I enjoyed it mucho.

The day after I was a bit worse for wear, but I pulled myself together after a few cups of coffee and a few bananas. I went to pick my son up and had a great day at my sisters. Hes getting to be a little cheeky now, grrring and smiling his face off. Gotta love him; he means the world to me and I can’t imagine life now without him. I could write a whole blog about how he makes my life worthwhile, or perhaps how his smile brightens my day, how proud of him I am, or maybe all these things. I however will not write these things, but will let them out occasionally in blog posts, as too much adoration can spoil things.

Sunday was spent going to see my nephew play rugby. (Thats him in black to the right fighting a losing battle of getting the ball past the opposition. I took many photos that day, most of which are in my facebook, so i cannot link to them unfortunately.) He has major potential, with enough encouragement to be a big league rugby star. He carries his team, tackling and scoring more than the others and he is often in the paper. Having effectively brought him up with my sister when she was a single mum, I feel in a way as if he was my own and I am proud of him. He is a bit misguided when out with friends as we all are at that age (13), however I try to give advice where and when I can. Not to mention my niece Jade (16) who I am also proud of. She is doing well at school and is about to go on to college. She’s got a well developed personality and is very mature. I told her the other day how the whole family are proud of her in a heartfelt internet convo and I meant every word. (she probably thought I was drunk or something or off my rocker lol)

That’s about it for an update. Will update when I have some news.

I still miss my ex.......... but my aims improving

A funny thought just occurred to me, the title of my blog being the thing that triggered it. Others seem to get by in life without any sort of guidance at all, maybe all I need is a wakeup call and write this “instruction book” for myself, make my own guide to how I want my life to be. I need a checklist on what I want to accomplish. To start off with here are the things I want to do within this year:

1. Lower my outgoings (debts and whatnots)

2. After clearing debts, get driving. Not being able to drive is becoming an inconvenience now and I’d love nothing more than to travel the country to see people I’ve met online or just to go to see people in the neighbouring town of a night and not have to worry about catching a bus.

3. Maybe find my own place. This will all depend on my financial situation after clearing debts.

4. Maybe get a new job. Totally bored in my present one. Either get a new job or seek promotion.

It’s going to take some work, but hopefully, I’ll be sorted soon. I’m at a low point and I just need to keep saying to myself “I will be a success in all aspects”. Well, maybe not them words exactly, but something along the lines.

Back to the blog anyway. The recent weeks been a testing one. I had a spat with my ex again, but I’m starting to think I was the unreasonable one. I text her that I couldn’t have Kallam for a full weekend because there wasn’t enough space in my bedroom for the cot. She took this badly as if she wanted desperately for me to mind Kallam. So much so that she even said “have him the weekend or not see him ever again”. This turn of events can be summed up by the saying “hoisted by my own petard”. I actually cried during this argument and at the thought of losing Kallam. She also called me every nasty name under the sun. She also said to watch my back whenever I am out in public. This just goes to show how nasty and manipulative she is. All backed up by her friend, as mentioned in previous posts. Every time I phone she is heard in the background relaying to my ex what she should say to me. That is why I resort to texting. It’s easier and gets the message across without having to shout.

I backed down in the end, as the thought of not seeing Kallam again had me sobbing uncontrollably. We came to a compromise agreement that I was to have him Saturday night only. I set quickly about finding room for the cot. It was hard, in the end I had to totally rearrange my bedroom and get rid of some furniture. It fit, just about, but leaving no access to the other side of the room. It was alright in my view just as long as I got to see Kallam and not having to go through legal proceedings to do so in the future. Seeing Kallam again after all this drama was wonderful. It was like I lost him for a brief moment when I hadn’t. I spent all day indoors with him cherishing ever moment with him. He is my world. His laugh fills me with joy and seeing how he is progressing makes me a very proud father.

Kallam woke up at 5am on Sunday, just like he used to when I lived with my ex and so I was expecting this. We both went downstairs and watched Cbeebies, a children’s channel on TV. It brought back memories of when I would spend time with him for most of the day just watching TV and playing around on the floor. When the time came for Kallam to be collected by my ex and her trusty sidekick, they were late. Three hours late to be exact. They were supposed to pick him up at 2pm, but arrived at 5pm. The supposed reason being that her friend, who has the car, had to walk across town to get her car, but got lost and lost her keys. Whether this is the truth or whether they were doing something else and making up some sort of story is not known. I tend to think that they do this to test me and use me. Either way when they eventually turned up, I was sad to see Kallam go.

It’s fair to say that all this agro that she is putting me though is making my life just that bit harder to live. I’m trying my best not to resort to drinking. It’s no way to go, but I find myself whenever I am out drinking too much, but not so much that I am unable to get home or make a fool of myself. I realise this and I will get out of doing this and will just drink a little socially. I also won’t let her get the best of me, I won’t let her get me down and by golly I will be the better man and not rise to her torment and will not let her use me.

I’ve not yet finished touching up my pictures from Scotland, but after nit picking at them a bit longer I’ll post them all in a slideshow.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with an excellent advert my good friend Emma did for me. Its excellent and is much appreciated.

While your at it, you can check out her blog by clicking the pic below.