I'm well and truly emodisfunct

I love making new words up. (If you do too, check the new widget I’ve put in the side bar of my blog) Emodisfunct is a word I have just created. It represents that feeling you get when you are confused emotionally and get overly emotional over things. The word can be successfully married up with how I’m feeling right now. The contributing factor, women, as is always the case.

Given the fact that I find it difficult to express emotions due to always locking them up, please bare with me if my explanations and wording is a bit off. This is blog entry that follows suit from a blog I read and enjoy frequently. That is, instead of writing about material things, journeys and work, I’m going to talk about my emotions, feelings and all that stuff.

Firstly, let me take you back three years or so. This was when I met my ex for the first time and as a result, met her friends. Some were good hearted girls and guys but some were just cruel. One of the good ones I made a bond with (lets call her Miss Blue), but a little too late as I’d already made my bed with my ex. She was bubbly and caring, but was at the time infatuated with a local rock star. They broke up a year later, and while out on a bender at a gig I confessed to fancying the pants off her. She took it quite well, but as I was with my ex, she didn’t make any sort of counter move.

We talk frequently online through msn or Facebook again, and I’m glad to say she is happy and content with a guy. What confuses me is that she says that if she was not with him, she’d happily date me. It is safe to say I was quite taken back by it, but why now and what good does it do me? We still talk, but the eventuality that something will happen is not good. It was a crush back but not really had feelings for her for a while, so not sure how I feel about this one. Probably nothing will happen. Miss Blue’s emodisfunct rating: 3

Secondly, this girl was yet another friend I met through my ex. She was quiet and reserved, but caring and mature for her age (lets call her Miss Purple), but I met her a little too late as I’d already made my bed with my ex. On nights out to a local club we got along like a house on fire, we shared music tastes and we could talk for hours. She had a rock look about her, jeans, retro tops, brunette hair and stylish converse shoes. As the years went on I was overjoyed every time she came to visit, well... not overjoyed, but glad to see she was alright.

I found myself gaining an attraction to Miss Purple and I was not able to do anything about it. Now that I am single and noticed she was too after splitting with her boyfriend, I needed to get these feelings off my chest and to see if anything was possible. I expressed my feelings to her over msn chat, as I hardly see her these days but talk infrequently on Facebook or msn. Miss Purple was not really overjoyed herself at the confession and said something along the lines of “but your my friend” and “omg!”. Not quite the response I was looking for. She has been ignoring me since. Miss Purple’s emodisfunct rating: 6 1/2.

And then onto the third “dilemma”, Miss Pink. (she’s probably reading this and in doing so at this point will be paying closer attention). She is the one mostly on my mind, which is evident seeing as though she is last in my list. Miss Pink is one of my blog buddies and I’ve known her for some time now. We’ve helped each other out, given advice and gradually have formed a bond. She is a fabulous friend, one who gives frank advice and listens to my problems. She’s an excellent mother to her two children and takes pride in everything they do. It’s fair to say I’ve never met anyone like her before. She’s really good looking even though she doesn’t like to say so and is also beautiful on the inside (her personality not her intestines) lol. She’s confessed on a number of occasions that she feels the same way. I’d give anything just to have a hug from her. The problem, as she so rightly puts it in her blog, is that there is a very big distance between us. She lives in Leicester and I live near Liverpool, a total distance of 113 miles. That kind of makes the dating thing a problem if we both chose to take things further, which I’d very much like to try. Life’s never fair.

Although, I’d like to just have her attracted to me and only me, the truth is, deep down inside, I know there will be others she will take an interest to while I’m half way across the country. This fact in particular is hard to accept, but one fact I’ll have to accept. I would have expressed these feelings to her in person, but its best she reads them all in one go instead of in little sentences in a chat box. It came as a shock to read about Miss Pink’s other love interests, mostly because I had probably gotten too close to Miss Pink or maybe it was because of the connection we share together. I’m unsure. I hope Miss Pink understands as she reads it. I am not hurt by what she’s written, but have woke up from the dream world where I’m on a pedestal and am the only one she has an interest in, and now understand the truth that I’m not the only one, there are others understandably that she is attracted to. This I should know very well having chosen to write about my interests too. I hope that I’ve made it clear how I feel above. I am in no way hurt or upset, just to make it clear. Miss Pink’s emodisfunct rating: 9 1/2

It is a great way to get things off your chest. I plan to do it more often instead of locking my emotions inside. As for now, i'll leave it at that.

Blog ya later

the promised photos

I still miss my ex.......... but my aims improving

A funny thought just occurred to me, the title of my blog being the thing that triggered it. Others seem to get by in life without any sort of guidance at all, maybe all I need is a wakeup call and write this “instruction book” for myself, make my own guide to how I want my life to be. I need a checklist on what I want to accomplish. To start off with here are the things I want to do within this year:

1. Lower my outgoings (debts and whatnots)

2. After clearing debts, get driving. Not being able to drive is becoming an inconvenience now and I’d love nothing more than to travel the country to see people I’ve met online or just to go to see people in the neighbouring town of a night and not have to worry about catching a bus.

3. Maybe find my own place. This will all depend on my financial situation after clearing debts.

4. Maybe get a new job. Totally bored in my present one. Either get a new job or seek promotion.

It’s going to take some work, but hopefully, I’ll be sorted soon. I’m at a low point and I just need to keep saying to myself “I will be a success in all aspects”. Well, maybe not them words exactly, but something along the lines.

Back to the blog anyway. The recent weeks been a testing one. I had a spat with my ex again, but I’m starting to think I was the unreasonable one. I text her that I couldn’t have Kallam for a full weekend because there wasn’t enough space in my bedroom for the cot. She took this badly as if she wanted desperately for me to mind Kallam. So much so that she even said “have him the weekend or not see him ever again”. This turn of events can be summed up by the saying “hoisted by my own petard”. I actually cried during this argument and at the thought of losing Kallam. She also called me every nasty name under the sun. She also said to watch my back whenever I am out in public. This just goes to show how nasty and manipulative she is. All backed up by her friend, as mentioned in previous posts. Every time I phone she is heard in the background relaying to my ex what she should say to me. That is why I resort to texting. It’s easier and gets the message across without having to shout.

I backed down in the end, as the thought of not seeing Kallam again had me sobbing uncontrollably. We came to a compromise agreement that I was to have him Saturday night only. I set quickly about finding room for the cot. It was hard, in the end I had to totally rearrange my bedroom and get rid of some furniture. It fit, just about, but leaving no access to the other side of the room. It was alright in my view just as long as I got to see Kallam and not having to go through legal proceedings to do so in the future. Seeing Kallam again after all this drama was wonderful. It was like I lost him for a brief moment when I hadn’t. I spent all day indoors with him cherishing ever moment with him. He is my world. His laugh fills me with joy and seeing how he is progressing makes me a very proud father.

Kallam woke up at 5am on Sunday, just like he used to when I lived with my ex and so I was expecting this. We both went downstairs and watched Cbeebies, a children’s channel on TV. It brought back memories of when I would spend time with him for most of the day just watching TV and playing around on the floor. When the time came for Kallam to be collected by my ex and her trusty sidekick, they were late. Three hours late to be exact. They were supposed to pick him up at 2pm, but arrived at 5pm. The supposed reason being that her friend, who has the car, had to walk across town to get her car, but got lost and lost her keys. Whether this is the truth or whether they were doing something else and making up some sort of story is not known. I tend to think that they do this to test me and use me. Either way when they eventually turned up, I was sad to see Kallam go.

It’s fair to say that all this agro that she is putting me though is making my life just that bit harder to live. I’m trying my best not to resort to drinking. It’s no way to go, but I find myself whenever I am out drinking too much, but not so much that I am unable to get home or make a fool of myself. I realise this and I will get out of doing this and will just drink a little socially. I also won’t let her get the best of me, I won’t let her get me down and by golly I will be the better man and not rise to her torment and will not let her use me.

I’ve not yet finished touching up my pictures from Scotland, but after nit picking at them a bit longer I’ll post them all in a slideshow.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with an excellent advert my good friend Emma did for me. Its excellent and is much appreciated.

While your at it, you can check out her blog by clicking the pic below.