feelin fruity

god knows why i chose that title. It resembles nothin about what i feel right now.

A word to describe how i feel right now is hopeless...

Hopeless because upon looking at myself as if takin in the "bigger picture" i notice a few things that i have observed so far.

• I can't drive/dont own a car
• have a series of unsucessful ratings (in my view their unsucessfulness wern't my fault, but sitll unsucessful)
• i am not financially stable thanks to ex's and debts.
• i don't see my world (my son) as much as i would like

Maybe its the beer talking, maybe its realisation of what i've become at long last instead of being nieve like i always am ignoring the simple facts and putting on a brave face. (take a good look future Mal, look good and realise what i was like and improve. for the love of god improve)

Yes, i'm down, i'm really down. I feel like i'm beyond the gutter. No one really to talk to (in the real world as opposed to the net) so i write it down in a blog (sorry to those reading this babble). I can't help feeling down, i have stuff reminding me everyday..... a junk tip for a bedroom, walking to work because i cant drive, no children to look after, no companion, not enough money to go out and celebrate my friends birthday (which really made me feel like crap) and trust me there'll probably be more to come.

I'll update on the good parts of the month in days to come, but for now.... wooo, heres my darkest hour........