I still miss my ex.......... but my aims improving

A funny thought just occurred to me, the title of my blog being the thing that triggered it. Others seem to get by in life without any sort of guidance at all, maybe all I need is a wakeup call and write this “instruction book” for myself, make my own guide to how I want my life to be. I need a checklist on what I want to accomplish. To start off with here are the things I want to do within this year:

1. Lower my outgoings (debts and whatnots)

2. After clearing debts, get driving. Not being able to drive is becoming an inconvenience now and I’d love nothing more than to travel the country to see people I’ve met online or just to go to see people in the neighbouring town of a night and not have to worry about catching a bus.

3. Maybe find my own place. This will all depend on my financial situation after clearing debts.

4. Maybe get a new job. Totally bored in my present one. Either get a new job or seek promotion.

It’s going to take some work, but hopefully, I’ll be sorted soon. I’m at a low point and I just need to keep saying to myself “I will be a success in all aspects”. Well, maybe not them words exactly, but something along the lines.

Back to the blog anyway. The recent weeks been a testing one. I had a spat with my ex again, but I’m starting to think I was the unreasonable one. I text her that I couldn’t have Kallam for a full weekend because there wasn’t enough space in my bedroom for the cot. She took this badly as if she wanted desperately for me to mind Kallam. So much so that she even said “have him the weekend or not see him ever again”. This turn of events can be summed up by the saying “hoisted by my own petard”. I actually cried during this argument and at the thought of losing Kallam. She also called me every nasty name under the sun. She also said to watch my back whenever I am out in public. This just goes to show how nasty and manipulative she is. All backed up by her friend, as mentioned in previous posts. Every time I phone she is heard in the background relaying to my ex what she should say to me. That is why I resort to texting. It’s easier and gets the message across without having to shout.

I backed down in the end, as the thought of not seeing Kallam again had me sobbing uncontrollably. We came to a compromise agreement that I was to have him Saturday night only. I set quickly about finding room for the cot. It was hard, in the end I had to totally rearrange my bedroom and get rid of some furniture. It fit, just about, but leaving no access to the other side of the room. It was alright in my view just as long as I got to see Kallam and not having to go through legal proceedings to do so in the future. Seeing Kallam again after all this drama was wonderful. It was like I lost him for a brief moment when I hadn’t. I spent all day indoors with him cherishing ever moment with him. He is my world. His laugh fills me with joy and seeing how he is progressing makes me a very proud father.

Kallam woke up at 5am on Sunday, just like he used to when I lived with my ex and so I was expecting this. We both went downstairs and watched Cbeebies, a children’s channel on TV. It brought back memories of when I would spend time with him for most of the day just watching TV and playing around on the floor. When the time came for Kallam to be collected by my ex and her trusty sidekick, they were late. Three hours late to be exact. They were supposed to pick him up at 2pm, but arrived at 5pm. The supposed reason being that her friend, who has the car, had to walk across town to get her car, but got lost and lost her keys. Whether this is the truth or whether they were doing something else and making up some sort of story is not known. I tend to think that they do this to test me and use me. Either way when they eventually turned up, I was sad to see Kallam go.

It’s fair to say that all this agro that she is putting me though is making my life just that bit harder to live. I’m trying my best not to resort to drinking. It’s no way to go, but I find myself whenever I am out drinking too much, but not so much that I am unable to get home or make a fool of myself. I realise this and I will get out of doing this and will just drink a little socially. I also won’t let her get the best of me, I won’t let her get me down and by golly I will be the better man and not rise to her torment and will not let her use me.

I’ve not yet finished touching up my pictures from Scotland, but after nit picking at them a bit longer I’ll post them all in a slideshow.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with an excellent advert my good friend Emma did for me. Its excellent and is much appreciated.

While your at it, you can check out her blog by clicking the pic below.